by Slim Treshulmes
I’ve been feeling quite poorly for a long time. I don’t like Doctors so I tend to wrap myself up and stay indoors as much as possible. That usually does the trick. Recently though, I’ve felt so rough that I’ve had to get myself down to the Quack’s.
I went in to see my Doctor and told her my symptoms: Dizziness, fainting, anxiety, confusion, breathlessness and nausea. My Doctor told me I had Hypnotension and that if I didn’t get my blood pressure raised to a healthy level I was at risk of having a stroke. I’m not one for taking pills. As I said, I’m not a fan of modern Doctors. To me they’re a part of the international pharmaceutical racket, pushing dangerous drugs onto vulnerable and desperate people. They’re really no better than smack dealers - I prefer the traditional remedies, which have worked since the beginning of time. Much as I hate to admit it though, I couldn’t see retiring to bed with a Ginseng and Rosemary brew being enough to restore my health. I was forced to take drastic action – I wrapped a magic bed sheet around me so I could disguise myself as a Pixie and sneaked myself in to the local Pixie Temple.
The Chief Pixie was stood in front of his followers demanding that they had to take action to make we humans accept the right of Pixies to play special games with The Little People, Pixie and non-Pixie alike. I felt a jolt as my blood pressure rose. It didn’t rise enough so I stayed to hear more. The Pixie stated that the Great Pixie in the Sky would give Pixies the Little People to play with in the Pixie afterlife as a reward for living a decent Pixie life. He went on to explain that the founder of ephemeral Pixism was himself very keen to play the odd games with The Little People. This, explained the Chief, was good and decent, no matter what hateful non-Pixies may say.
The Chief Pixie went on to tell the gathered Pixies that they should be nice to all Pigzies as they were the nearest Earthly beings to Pixies. He said it made him cry little Pixie tears that some Humans ate them. That was nice and made me feel all warm towards the Pixies. Sadly this lowered my blood pressure, which wasn't good.
The Chief, who had at one point been foaming at the mouth, relaxed a little as he gave praise to the Pixie boys who were making friends (I think he said friends – not being too good at the Pixie lingo) with non-Pixies. He told how Pixie boys were getting Non-Pixie girls keen on Pixie Dust, and then letting them pay for the this strange stuff by walking about holding strange Red Pixie Lights. This he said was weakening non-Pixie society and creating a generation of half-Pixies and converts to the Pixie faith. He stated that the legal system was on the Pixies side as it stopped all criticism of Pixies, no matter what they did to damage the area.
At this point I felt a striking pain in my heart as my blood pressure soared. I got up from kneeling on the temple floor and walked back into the street. I visited the Doctor for a check-up. She remarked that my blood pressure was now back to a healthy level, if anything a little high, and she was absolutely flabbergasted at the change.
Some people knock Pixies, but to me they’re a tonic! So if YOU have low blood pressure – consult the Pixie Handbook….
(I wonder what beliefs the Imps, Gnomes and Fairies have? Will have to investigate)
