by Shem Tsurills
I work for the Academy of British Space Cadets. Our organisation has the best brains in Britain. We'll challenge anyone to a game of Chess. Aside from Jeremy, the Head of Projects, we're all good sports. He's a bit of a sour puss. Once I beat him at Fox and Geese (I was the Fox) - he threw the board up in the air and stormed off like a child who'd been told he couldn't have any sweeties! He's a funny beggar.
This morning I came into work, late as usual. I made myself a brew then went to my desk ready to start work. My Manager arrived even later than me, looking like she'd had a hard night out. I can't fault her; if I didn't have a family to support I'd be out on the lash too. Funny thing is she likes the same women I do. Once my wife came to drop me off some butties (she fusses a bit, but it's quite sweet really) and my boss made a point of hanging around. I can understand what women say about wanting to be looked in the eyes rather than the chest. My missus was not amused. I would've complained to the big boss, Gerald, but I daren't go into his office in case he locks the door and discusses what he'd like me to do to get a pay-rise!
Anyway, I digress, my Manager, Lez, told me that we had some new members of staff starting and that she'd like me to show them around. I was quite happy to do this as it got me out of doing any real work! Lez introduced me to Numbteeee, Nadlarkleee and Medupinnit, the three new starters. I was surprised that only Pixies had qualified for the new posts. Pixies don't tend to work in our industry. Still, I thought to myself, it was good to see they were finally integrating with the host society and using their skills in a legal and decent manner.
I showed the new starters around the Æronautical Fuels Research and Development Department where new technologies are tested to improve the efficiency of the fuels used. Nad asked what was the point in having the ÆFRDDl "Surely fuel is fuel," he said. He gave me a very odd look when I laughed at his comment. Worryingly, so did Med and Num.
It was getting towards 11 o'clock so I took the Pixie trio to the canteen. I had to go check on some stats I'd been waiting for, so I told them they might as well have a break. Num told me they didn't eat our food so had brought their own and wanted to cook it. I said that was fine. I pointed out the water heater, oven and microwave and went to pick up the paperwork I was waiting for.
Stats are stats. They're not that exciting, but unavoidable. I was part way through reading the reports when the fire alarm went off. Normally I'd pick up my coat (doesn't everyone?) and walk briskly to the exit. However I had the Pixies to worry about. I headed down to the Canteen to find to my alarm that smoke was billowing out of it. To my increasing horror all three Pixies were still in the canteen close to the source of the smoke. Nad, Num and Med were babbling incoherently. I ran over and told them they needed to get out of the building straight away. Med told me to "chill the f* out." I again said we had to go. Nad explained in very unpleasant terms that they were 'only' cooking their food. For a moment I was speechless - the Pixies had put a baby goat in the microwave, stuffed paper around it and lit it!
After a lot of arguing, the Pixies agreed to vacate the building and went to the fire assembly point. I spoke to Liz about the incident. I explained that the Pixies didn't even know how to operate a microwave, hadn't a clue about fuel technologies and had an arrogant attitude that wouldn't go down well with the long-term staff. Liz told me that the Academy had a policy of preferential employment for Pixies and that ability to do the work was not a consideration. I was alarmed to say the least - our profession requires absolute precision in a range of highly technical areas. Failure to keep to our very high standards could lead to people dying. I felt I had no choice but to go to the very top and speak to Gerald.
Gerald flew into a rage when I told him about my morning with the Pixies. I've never seen anyone get so angry so quickly. I told him that when I'd told the Pixies I was going to view some stats they didn't know what statistics were - they thought it was a new film! Gerald erupted. He told me I had an unacceptable Pixie-phobic attitude. He said it was people like me who were holding back this country and that Pixies were enriching our nation. He then said he had to make an example of me. He rang Security and had me thrown out of the building.
It saddened me to think that with unqualified individuals in important positions in the Academy, the latest British rocket may well explode on the launch pad. As soon as I got home I wrote to my MP to tell him I thought the policy of preferential employment was a mistake. His response was to send the Police to my door.
That was some time ago. I'm now living in the psychiatric institute formerly known as HMP Doncaster and my wife is in what used to be called HMP Newhall. The children are in a government re-education home for perpetrators of Pixism. They should benefit most as they were only babies when they were admitted for treatment. I'm feeling much more Pixie-friendly now and hope to be out soon. I realise safety isn't everything. It matters much more that we all live together in peace and harmony. I'm glad to have such a caring MP - someone who has helped me overcome an irrational view of life which I didn't even realise I had. Long live democracy! God bless all Pixies!
