By Tim Shellruss, resident of Albion-on-Sea
In the little seaside town where I live, life is good. I like to go out on my little boat and enjoy a spot of fishing when the weather is good, or if it isn’t I like to play bar room skittles with my friends. Until recently I have had no complaints about my happy slow-paced life. Unfortunately my idyllic life has been interrupted by newcomers who don’t care for our local ways. The Pixies have arrived in Albion-on-Sea.
I have a little boat. She’s nothing special, certainly not a sea-faring vessel, but she’s enough for me to have a little trip around the bay and try my luck at landing the odd fish. Generally they get away but occasionally I catch a beauty, which I take home for my tea. I always tell the lads in the Pirate’s Arms that I only like to take one home as to take more wouldn’t be good for my figure!
Just last week I was returning to the shore with my catch only to be met by a group of strangers who demanded to see what I had in my boat. I told them that if they didn’t want any trouble they needed to get their hands off my tackle and leave my boat alone. To my shock they informed me they were undercover Sea Inspectors and that if I didn’t cooperate they would have me arrested! Naturally I let them aboard.
These days with all the over fishing by massive multinational trawlers the big fish are getting scarce in the waters near where I live. I was a bit worried about getting in trouble as to be honest the fish I’d caught wasn’t massive. Don’t get me wrong, it was no tiddler, I don’t go in for catching babies, but it wasn’t exactly massive either. The Sea Inspectors didn’t even look at my fish but went straight to the mast of my boat to where I have a little mast flying the Red Ensign.
“What do you call this then?” asked the Senior Inspector pointing to my little flag.
I thought he was looking at the mast so I explained that I’d looked into the specs when mounting it and I was sure it met all health and safety regulations. He told me he wasn’t talking about the mast, but the flag. I explained that when I was younger I’d been in the Merchant Navy and liked to fly the flag, which I’d sailed under in my youth.
“You can’t fly that thing, it can be seen from the foreshore and we’ve had complaints from the Pixies that they find it offensive” stated the Inspector, without any sign of humour.
I was flabbergasted. At first I thought one of the lads in the Pirates Arms must have got someone to pretend to be a Sea Inspector for a laugh - they’re a bunch of rascals and I wouldn’t put it passed them! When I asked if this was a wind up the Inspector produced his ID and told me this was a very serious matter and I was in deep trouble. By flying the Ensign, the Inspectors told me, I had made the Pixies feel like they didn’t belong in Albion-on-Sea. This was Pixial discrimination at its very worst.
My little boat was taken from me and burned in dry dock and I have been banned from ever sailing again. To make amends for my heinous crime against the newcomers I have been given 200 hours Community Service working in the Pixie community cleaning the streets (the filthiest streets I’ve ever seen), and a hefty fine.
All this has put me right of fish I can tell you.
