Bonjour Mes Amis, Je Suis Napoleon Bonaparte! For you English peasants, I am the rightful ruler of France. People tell me that I'm Tim from Towcester and I'm about as French as a Yorkshire Pudding, but I tell you I am indeed Napoleon Bonaparte! Because I'm 6 foot tall and Nordic in appearance that doesn't mean that I can't be Napoleon inside. I am a Corsican legend trapped inside an Englishman's body.
I got so fed up with people accusing me of being from Towcester that I had to go to the Doctors' for a little mild depression. He told me that I was suffering from an identity crisis. My GP referred me to Mental Health, to the team who deal with men who want to have their penises removed. I was quite insulted - I have no identity crisis and I am not a basket case - I am Napoleon and that is that.
I could see I was getting nowhere with the Health Service. They kept offering to get me hormones so I could grow breasts. The cheek of it! I am Napoleon, not Josephine!
I was now quite incensed by the treatment I was getting so I sort advice from my Priest. Father Patrick is a modernist who embraces Vatican II. I used to be a traditionalist; I believed the Church of Rome should be Catholic. However, this Priest helped me a lot. He advised me to go to the Church of Reincarnation. I asked him if this wasn't anti-Christian, but after he'd explained Pope Benedict's approval of all beliefs, up to and including Satanism, I could see that the Church of Reincarnation wasn't that bad! After the problems I’d had with Pius VII, Benedict was a breath of fresh air! So with Papal blessing off I went...
The Reincarnationists explained to me that I am Napoleon but the body I am using as the vehicle for my Corsican soul is that of a farmer from the South Midlands. I told them of the offensive and discriminatory attitude of the NHS. They advised me to sue. Very generously they volunteered to give evidence in my support, and only asked for 25% of any cash settlement. These people are truly as holy as Father Pat led me to expect.
I won my case and I am now legally known as His Imperial Majesty and Pope of Reincarnationism, Napoleon Bonaparte (HIMPRNB). I also got a large enough payout to fund my height realignment operations. I am now 5 foot 6 as I was when I was before being reincarnated. The NHS had initially offered to lop off six inches, but they had something else in mind!
Much has changed since I was Emperor of France. My Metric system is now in place across Europe and French is on course to be the dominant language in business. I would prefer the capital of the new European Union to be Paris, but Brussels will do – for now. My next task is to take on the European Council in Strasbourg and have my Imperial destiny restored!
Watch out peasants!
UPDATE
Following on from the precedent of HIMPRNB’s successful legal action, many other historical characters and born-again Reincarnationists have had their original identities legally recognised.
A certain Jesus of Nazareth demanded he be legally recognised as King of the House of David. To the surprise of many, when ‘King’ Jesus demanded the right to return to the Holy land, the Chief Rabbi of Jerusalem pressed the authorities to accept his case.
Jesus, formerly known as Mandy from Basingstoke, currently resides in a converted apartment in central Tel Aviv, where ‘he’ hangs upside down on a crucifix suspended over an open pit filled with boiling excrement. As the Rabbi says, he only has to ask his dad to let him down and he can go! Mishugena mamzer – Fucocktun Yutz!
